Etymology

I am an enthusiastic amateur etymologist. I can often be found in the early hours of the morning buried under a pile of old dictionaries, muttering “Really, well, well. How fascinating!”  I have decided to post some of my research in the hope that it will lead to a major publishing deal. 

Till the cows come home. Origin: Middle English. Although etymologists still disagree on the exact date, this phrase almost certainly originated in the 16^th century, when it became extremely fashionable to litter your conversation with animal idioms, most notably: “to flog a dead horse” and “to be as lazy as a pissed newt”. Such idioms became so popular that certain members of the aristocracy actually started dressing as animals. Lamb and rabbit costumes proved to be the most popular, the latter briefly becoming the national dress in 1547.  

To have your guts for garters. Origin: Late Anglo Saxon, 14^th C. This colourful idiom began life with a literal usage, when working class men were so impoverished that they were forced to sell their guts as garters to the Aristocracy. The dried intestine also became fashionable as an armband. It would be common in the streets of 14^th C Tirana to hear exchanges like: “That’s an elegant garter, noble cousin!”“Yes, isn’t it? I got it from a working class oik! He’s dead now!” At which, both men would fall about laughing.A century later, Felix Nune studied the intestinal accessory as a basis for developing the first elastic band. 

This is, of course, only a small sample of my research. I am about to finish an original etymology of the phrase “hairy tits”. I will hopefully post this tomorrow. Along with some photos of my cat.

An attempt to understand Goerge Michael’s song: Last Christmas

For those unfamiliar with the song, here is the chorus:

“Last Christmas I gave you my heart

But the very next day, you gave it away

This year, to save me from tears

I’ll give it to someone special.”

And now an attempt to understand the lyric, line by line:

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.”

Uh huh, OK.  That’s pretty clear. I’m assuming “gave you my heart” is a romantic euphemism for “shagged you”.

“But the very next day, you gave it away”

OK, so she shagged someone else the next day. That must have been Boxing Day then. Sorry Goerge but she sounds like a slut.  Who is this woman? And where were you spending Christmas? Did you go on an 18 – 30’s holiday?

“This year, to save me from tears

I’ll give it to someone special.”

You don’t have to shag someone at Christmas, Goerge! It’s not a requirement. Spend this Christmas at home, with your family, forget about sex…

So, to summarise, (I think I’ve got this right):

Last Christmas I went on an 18-30’s holiday and shagged some tart.

On Boxing Day she shagged someone else. This pissed me off.

This Christmas, I’m going on another 18-30s holiday and I want to shag someone who won’t shag someone else on Boxing Day.  This way I won’t get so pissed off.

Horoscopes

Airies

The best way to enjoy your success is to know that you’ve earned it. Keep your head down at work and be patient about the promotion you’ve secretly been craving. In the meantime, take stock of your achievements and don’t listen to those who say you’re a twat.

Taurus

Venus is  low in your middle sphere which means its distant cousin, Mars, is wreaking havoc with your wardrobe.  Ignore irrational desires to wear long Victorian dresses and to prance around naked in Wellington boots. Stay close to your friends. Eat plenty of horseradish.

Gemini

People are coming into your life from all directions and at high speed. Avoid them with nimble movements ans simple twists of the body.  Remove those aching, cathartic urges within you by finally taking those constipation relief tablets.

Cancer

Athough you are still happily single, it is time to face yourself as the New Year approaches. You are an utter pervert. Let go. Buy that sex toy you’ve been eyeing up for months, get the camcorder out and have an evening to remember.

Leo

Saturn is in the ascension which means the moon is frowning and it will rain for three days.  Stay indoors. Avoid depression.

Virgo

This week will show you a way to resolve a long term issue with your past.  This in turn will allow you to recover your pride and a certain smugness you always used to have.  Your smugness may be further augumented today by sneering at working class people you pass in the street.

Libra

A long term relationship may hit choppy waters this week  as a lover breaks the habit of a lifetime. You have always had a practical nature and now is the time to use it. Steer your boat clear of danger. Use a compass.

 Scorpio

Your self image has been dictated by your profession for far too long.  Take control of your destiny by joining the circus. Elsewhere old flames will reignite like lights on a Christmas tree. Sleep around.

Sagittarius

Tomorrow a man named Malcom will pass you on the green bench in you local park. As he passes, he will wink once, say “Martha is late again, how typical,” and break wind. Ignore him. He’s nuts.

Capricorn

Jupiter continues its orbit of Saturn which can only mean one thing: You  partner will dump you. Be resourceful. Drink heavily.  Buy a pet to fill the emotional chasm in your life.  Begin a doomed affair with someone in your office.

Aquarius

Pluto is on a crash course with Venus  so buy that luxury garment you’ve been craving. Avoid blues and green. They don’t suit you. Never have.

Pisces

Quiet by nature, it’s time you crawled out of your safe shell and looked around. You are not only popular for your modesty. Get drunk at the Christmas party, expose your breats and dance provicatively.

Fish discovered in Mexico with a “soul”

   A fish has been discovered in Tampico, Mexico, with what scientist’s are claiming is a ”soul”.  

      The Aquarian Biologist, Sydney Tornton, discovered the fish two days ago during a routine research trip. “I was just collecting in the fish and slicing their guts open so I could have a good look at their insides when suddenly I opened one of the little shits up and there it was.  It was right next to its bladder. ‘Bout the size of your little fingernail.”

   This is the first time a cold-blooded aquatic vertebrate has been found with an immortal constituent of the self. Theologan, Paps Flamingo, said: “There are of course instances in The Bible when all kinds of extraordinary things occur: Burning bushes, water into wine, blind men seeing, all kinds of crazy shit. I’m just not sure any of it is true.”

  A spokesman for The American Aquarian Society for the Protection of Domestic Fish Populations said this morning: “Complete horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit.”

There’s a moment…

…in Tom Petty and the Heartbreaker’s song: American Girl, when he sings,

“God it’s so painful, something so close and still so far out of reach.”

Except he sings it like this:

“God it’s so painful, something so close and still so far out of reeaaaaaaaaaaaaach.”

And you just KNOW he understands exactly how you feel.

This has…

…undergone many revisions.

It started out as a funny anecdote

And evolved into a thought piece on the work/life balance.

It then became a political argument before it changed

Into a bitter rant about a government’s broken promises.

It has had many forms and taken on many subjects.

But now it has grown old and tired

And has turned in upon itself.

All that’s left now

Is its own existence.

New Report Reveals Women Are Less Happy Than Before

A report published today reveals that women are less happy than thirty years ago. The survey estimates that the average woman in Britain is 7% less happy than she was thirty years ago, suggesting the increased demands on the fairer sex in the modern world as the principle reason for the dramatic change.

The report, published by the think tank ADAPT, surveyed five women they found on Balham High Street last Saturday.

A spokesman for ADAPT said: “Women are 7% less happy than they were thirty years ago.”

Jack Tart, an industry spokeman, said the figures looked “gloomy.” He said: “Thirty years ago, in 1966, women’s social roles were fewer and more clearly prescribed. Imagine life for the average woman back then: England had just won the World Cup, Britain had relatively recently won two World Wars, there weren’t too many blacks around still – Britain was a wonderful place to bring up children. Now of course, the poor bitches don’t know if they’re coming or going.”

The survey also revealed that men are also less happy that thirty years ago, down 4% compared to 1966. ADAPT’s spokesman said: “Men are 4% less happy than in the past. This is less than women. Women are 7% less happy than thirty years ago.”

All Saints Day

I would just like to say how much I am looking forward to All Saints day on November the 1st.  There are individual saints days, like St. Patrick’s and St. Andrew’s, but there is also November the 1st when we celebrate all the Saints at once.

According to orthodox Christian theology, Saints are between Mankind and Angels in what the poet, Alexander Pope, described as “the great chain of being”. Jesus is at the top of the tree and then there are Arch Angels and then Angels and then saints and then Man.

Saints are angels in human form and an angel is a human who never spent time on earth.

Anthony was a Saint and is now an angel and Gabriel is an Arch Angel. Angels must always address arch angels by their surnames and must never look them in the eye.

Satan is a “fallen angel” who wanted too much freedom. He didn’t realise the freedom he had was “freedom from choice” and desired “freedom to choose” and so God cast him down into Hell, which many people, wrongly, believe is below Earth. Hell is of course not a place but a state of mind. In Latin it literally means “without God”; in Hebrew it means “Outside God’s sphere of eternal and sensual love”; in English it is an expletive roughly equivelent to “arse” or “titwank”.

What to do at your Physiotherapists when the physiotherapy isn’t working and you’re frustrated.

1. Have a book fall out of your book bag as you leave called: “Failed Doctors: A Career in Physiotherapy.”

2. Explain that you understand the entire body’s muscular system is intimately linked. Ask, for example, if closing the right eye repeatedly might strenthen your back. Wink at her repeatedly to show what you mean.

 3. Give another example. Suggest that if you move your elbow joint up and down with an outstretched middle finger it may strengthen your back. Flick her off repeatedly to show what you mean.

 4. Every time the physiotherapist leans over, bending her spine, ask her if she is doing it to show off her healthy back.

 5. Tell her that she is psychologicqally crushing you by moving around the room so freely. Request that she remain immobile in her chair during your visits so you don’t have to be reminded of how your life used to be.

6. Get the physiotherapist’s demonstration plastic spine and say, “Can I just show you where I think the problem is?” Then stand up and start smashing the spine against the floor until it is broken into many many pieces.

7. Bring a full scale skeleton into the room with you. Sit it down next to you. Open the jaw repeatedly for several minutes. Say to the physiotherapist: “Your movement here seems to be OK.” Then, pointing to the skull, add: “But there’s not much movement up here.”

Sex and the city

In a city of eight million people,  New Yorkers were so busy trying not to bump into each other that they often forget to say “Hi” when they did. We often didn’t even say “Hi” before we slept together. In a city that never sleeps, every New Yorker was sleeping with every other New Yorkers’ shadow!

Charlotte was dating Goerge Kershaw, an Investment Analyst with an apartment on Fifth Avenue. One evening, as they made love for the third time, George blurted out:

“I love your cunt!”

Charlotte: “Oh, my, erm…”

Charlotte didn’t know quite what to say. She had been planning to marry George within the month and found his passionate love cry a little on the dirty side.

Meanwhile, across the city on the Upper East Side, Samantha was having  a little dirty fun of her own. She had been dating Alex Monroe, a Venture Capitalist who owned Bermuda, Southern Italy and France.

George: “You’re so sexy, I wanna ride you all night.”

Samantha: “How divine! Aren’t you just raring to go! Why don’t we go back to mine and you can hop on board.”

George: “That sounds great!”

Samantha: “But I’m warning you George, it’s an express train and it doesn’t stop!”

George: “Wow, you’re amazing!”

Meanwhile, on Fifth Avenue, I was handbag shopping with Miranda.

Miranda: “Look, I’m a rich, ambitious, successful lawyer and I’m not ashamed of it, so when a cute guy wants to fuck me in the back of a cab while the driver watches I’m like: whatever. I mean, what is that?”

Carrie: “I know sweetie. You deserve it.”

The next day, four thirty something girls met for brunch on the Lower East Side and Charlotte had an announcement to make.

Charlotte: “I’ve got crabs.”

Samantha: “Oh, honey, that’s so sweet. Is it you first time?”

Charlotte: “Why? Do you guys all have crabs?”

Everyone: “Sure!”

Miranda: “I’ve got the clap too.”

Samantha: “And I’ve got Clamidia.”

Carrie: “It’s just what modern women have to put up with sweetie if they want to live in a man’s world.”

Miranda: “Look, I’m a rich ambitious successful lawyer and I’m not ashamed of it. I mean if a man had crabs he’d be the toast of Manhattan. If a woman has crabs, she’s a whore. I mean: what’s that about?”

Charlotte: “But I feel so dirty!”

Later that night, I got to thinking. Maybe Miranda was right: if women were men on the outside but still women on the inside then when we made love were our souls connecting? In a city that always sleeps with its other half, did women really need a penis?

The next day..