Airies
The best way to enjoy your success is to know that you’ve earned it. Keep your head down at work and be patient about the promotion you’ve secretly been craving. In the meantime, take stock of your achievements and don’t listen to those who say you’re a twat.
Taurus
Venus is low in your middle sphere which means its distant cousin, Mars, is wreaking havoc with your wardrobe. Ignore irrational desires to wear long Victorian dresses and to prance around naked in Wellington boots. Stay close to your friends. Eat plenty of horseradish.
Gemini
People are coming into your life from all directions and at high speed. Avoid them with nimble movements ans simple twists of the body. Remove those aching, cathartic urges within you by finally taking those constipation relief tablets.
Cancer
Athough you are still happily single, it is time to face yourself as the New Year approaches. You are an utter pervert. Let go. Buy that sex toy you’ve been eyeing up for months, get the camcorder out and have an evening to remember.
Leo
Saturn is in the ascension which means the moon is frowning and it will rain for three days. Stay indoors. Avoid depression.
Virgo
This week will show you a way to resolve a long term issue with your past. This in turn will allow you to recover your pride and a certain smugness you always used to have. Your smugness may be further augumented today by sneering at working class people you pass in the street.
Libra
A long term relationship may hit choppy waters this week as a lover breaks the habit of a lifetime. You have always had a practical nature and now is the time to use it. Steer your boat clear of danger. Use a compass.
Scorpio
Your self image has been dictated by your profession for far too long. Take control of your destiny by joining the circus. Elsewhere old flames will reignite like lights on a Christmas tree. Sleep around.
Sagittarius
Tomorrow a man named Malcom will pass you on the green bench in you local park. As he passes, he will wink once, say “Martha is late again, how typical,” and break wind. Ignore him. He’s nuts.
Capricorn
Jupiter continues its orbit of Saturn which can only mean one thing: You partner will dump you. Be resourceful. Drink heavily. Buy a pet to fill the emotional chasm in your life. Begin a doomed affair with someone in your office.
Aquarius
Pluto is on a crash course with Venus so buy that luxury garment you’ve been craving. Avoid blues and green. They don’t suit you. Never have.
Pisces
Quiet by nature, it’s time you crawled out of your safe shell and looked around. You are not only popular for your modesty. Get drunk at the Christmas party, expose your breats and dance provicatively.
